Tightrope walking
When and how to put yourself first in mothering
As one becomes a mother, one realizes, perhaps for the first time, what it truly means to sacrifice oneself for another. In those first cries after birth, you find yourself acting in a manner that is no longer about what you need and want, but entirely about what your child needs and wants. And children demand so much during those early days; they become sponges for attention, love, care, and every bit of energy you have to give. But you are also human and have your own wants, needs, and desires (oh, sleep!). How do you maneuver this tightrope you now find yourself on, precariously perched between your child’s real demands for nurturing and attention and the pull you feel to satisfy your needs to be seen and heard?
I think you maneuver this tightrope throughout motherhood by acknowledging two things. First, during these early days and years of your child’s life, your children need you to show up completely, selflessly, and without another agenda. Second, you recognize that this is a phase, a brief window in time, and change will come! It always does, and with your child’s growth, you will be offered new opportunities to focus on yourself and your needs. But for now, your children are at their most vulnerable. Luckily, we are biologically supported during this time to sacrifice our own needs to nurture our infants. Hormones such as oxytocin and prolactin motivate us to bond, feed, and give our children around-the-clock care. Propelled by biological mechanisms outside our awareness, we find a hidden energy source to respond and offer care, even in our most fatigued, brain-muddled state.
Perhaps this idea that mothers need to give of themselves wholly and entirely during this time in development will fall the wrong way on some mothers' ears. Some may find the idea that an infant's every whim should be satisfied to be a path of spoiling, believing that children must learn early how to self-soothe or adapt to challenges and discomforts. But, I think the developmental literature fully supports the stance that children who are attended to, loved, responded to, and not left alone build basic brain mechanisms that allow them to trust in others and themselves. Responding sensitively to a crying baby does not spoil them. Quite the contrary, it makes them emotionally aware humans, capable of caring and loving others. This time for new mothers is challenging because it takes all we have to give. It is a time of sacrifice and losing yourself to allow another to grow. But it does not need to last forever. It should not last forever.
Luckily for us, as children grow into their early and middle childhood years, they are typically incredibly stable, capable of greater and lengthier periods of emotion regulation, and capable of a great deal of independence, if we let them explore it. It is a time when we can take a breath, take stock of and explore our inner mental terrain, reflect on who we are now, and where we want to go. As children’s abilities and independence grow, we get to take back little pieces of ourselves to begin to feel whole again. It is a time when we can let “me” and “I” have a seat at the table again.
But, as we explore this new freedom for ourselves, a time when we are no longer required to sacrifice ourselves at every turn, we also need to be aware that this time is also one for building a solid relationship with our children. As children learn to express their needs in socially acceptable ways and consider others’ perspectives, we begin to lay the groundwork for a mature relationship with our children. One, ideally, in which there is care and compromise and a recognition of two complete beings engaged in a dance, both equal partners. While infancy was one-sided and all the mother's energy was directed toward the infant's well-being, now two people have begun to emerge in a give-and-take reciprocal relationship.
As mothers in this stage of family life begin to rediscover a renewed interest in their ambitions, hobbies, or listen once again to their own personal desires, they must do so in acknowledgement of the relationship they are striving to build. There is a danger, at this time, of going too far, or over-centering oneself as you proclaim, “it is time for ME!” As children demand somewhat less of our attention, it is tempting to swing emotionally to a sense of reclaiming one's identity at all costs. To let the newfound freedom pulse through you to the beat of me, me, me, finally, me time. But if the swing in this direction is too strong, the mother risks abandoning her child emotionally, no longer giving them the time and attention they still need and deserve.
On the other hand, if the mother continues on the path established during infancy of perpetually sacrificing her own needs for the child, she risks losing herself altogether as she disappears into a space where her own needs are no longer heard or acknowledged, denying her own identity and the possibility of self-knowledge. Thus, there is danger in extremes, such as being too self-focused or too self-sacrificing. What is one to do at this turn?
In my mind, the critical thing to do is to begin to balance one’s own needs with the needs of the child, acknowledging that both exist and are worth listening to. It is a time to start to model honesty, authenticity, and the ability to ask for forgiveness from another when something in the relationship goes astray. As with any relationship in life, there will inevitably be conflict or hurt feelings, and the goal here is not to keep children happy at all times, but to work to right the relationship when it does get upset. Occasionally, the tension between what I want and what the other person wants in the relationship will bubble over, and rather than push this aside, fear it, or perpetually give up your own needs for your child, you can model bringing the relationship back into equilibrium. This is the time to work with your child on relationship repair, to re-center love and care amid hurt feelings. We can begin modeling and setting expectations during childhood that the relationship is worth keeping and that each person is heard and valued. In so doing, we go a long way toward building a lifelong relationship with our children built upon mutual respect, love, and empathy. And we get a chance to follow our own heart’s calling, too.