On the decision to have children

Given all the stress and worry, why do we choose this?

Sep 19, 2024

Key Points
The Surgeon General’s Advisory on parental mental health and well-being places a spotlight on the challenges and realities of raising children in our current day.
In recent times, many people are opting out of parenting altogether, largely for reasons centered around personal disruption and loss of freedom.
What then, contributes to choosing this parenting “gig”? In many ways, the development of a maternal identity plays a key role. For some, the desire to nurture and care for the next generation is part of their identity from an early age. For others, it develops later in life as they navigate crises of adult development.
The choice to become a parent can offer a meaningful fulfillment of a desire to mentor, nurture, support, and contribute to the next generation, despite the personal sacrifice that this entails.

Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a rather worrisome advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents, noting that, " Over the last decade, parents have been consistently more likely to report experiencing high levels of stress compared to other adults" (US Department of Health and Human Services, 2024). Continuing to say that, "with this advisory I am calling for a fundamental shift in how we value and prioritize the mental health and well-being of parents." Such recognition of parents' stress writ large is notable in the context of other advisories the Surgeon General has issued, such as concerns about teens and social media or health worker well-being. This advisory suggests there is something fundamentally in disarray with a huge swath of our population. Parents are not ok.

With this level of upset and stress, why does anyone decide to have children to begin with? It is tempting to see the wearied, bloodshot eyes of a postpartum mom, to hear the cries of a tantruming toddler, or to look at the anxious eyes of a parent of a teen and to think–this is not what I want to put myself through. Indeed, many adults are doing the calculations, and deciding parenthood is not a choice they want to make. Over the past 50 years, there has been a notable increase in the number of people having fewer children, having children later in life, or, for a growing population of people, not having children at all (Avison & Furnham, 2015). The year 2020 marked the lowest general fertility rate ever recorded in the U.S. Current numbers suggest the projected lifetime births per woman is now at 1.64 children (notably, a total fertility rate of 2.1 births per woman is required for a population to replace itself) (Osterman et al., 2022).

The factors behind this decline and the decisions individuals are making are myriad and complex. Some argue that choosing childlessness is due to advances in contraception, education, and gender equality (Blackstone & Stewart, 2012). Others point to the financial strain that having children in America and many developed countries entails (Murillo, 2021). Indeed, the cost of child care alone in the U.S. is akin to starting with a college-sized tuition payment from day one with no possibility of grants, scholarships, or loans.

woman holding baby — Photo by Zach Lucero on Unsplash

But is this the full explanation? There also seem to be individual identity factors at play. Some people see themselves as mothers or fathers and others…do not. In a recent Pew research study, when individuals under the age of 50 were asked why they are unlikely to have children, the top answer (57%) was that “they just don’t want to” (Aragão et al., 2024). The second most common reason was that they “want to focus on other things.” (Aragão et al., 2024). These findings echo prior work in this area. For example, Carmichael and Whittaker (2007) reported in their study of Australian couples who were voluntarily childless that the longer period of educational attainment and career establishment that many middle-class individuals go through in current times, “introduces people to lifestyles they enjoy, often for lengthy periods, and [they] become to varying degrees loath to surrender. Hence it encourages some to deliberately bypass parenthood. Pursuit of ‘self-actualization’ through preservation of lifestyle seems clearly the major explanation for chosen childlessness in Australia today” (pg 137). These findings suggest a fundamental shift in how people think about their adult roles today, towards individual needs and fulfillment and away from generativity and the potential long-term benefits of having children in one's life.

Curiously, there is also research indicating that the decision to have children can be tied to factors such as personality constructs (Avison & Furnham, 2015). Among the voluntarily childless, scores on surveys of personality traits were higher for the characteristic of freedom/independence and lower for scores of agreeableness and extraversion compared to parents or those desiring children. Those choosing not to have children were also less religious, more politically liberal and, if they adopted a childless attitude early in life, they were significantly higher on the Big Five personality dimension of openness to experience and were more willing to endorse items such as “having a child would restrict my lifestyle” than those who opted out later in life.

Where then, does the desire to be a parent come from? What fosters and forms an identity that is willing to accept disruption, stress, financial strain, and sleepless nights to produce and care for a future generation? Indeed, based on much of the messaging and lived experiences of parents today, people would be crazy to choose this path. Are parents who choose children just misguided idealists who fall for a cultural trap? Where does this intention toward child-rearing come from despite a society that, by many measures, is failing to support those willing to take on this responsibility for the next generation?

***

Officially, I became a mother in June of 2010 with the birth of my first child. But, that narrative isn’t entirely accurate. I think I’ve been a mother my whole life. As a child myself, I was fascinated and utterly captivated by babies. My dolls became my children long before I had any of my own. I created birth certificates for my Cabbage Patch kids complete with inked footprints. I fed and bathed my toy infants and carried them around. In many ways, the role of “mother” is one I feel I’ve held as part of my identity for a very long time. I see this same impetus toward care and nurturing in one of my own daughters today. We can’t walk through the grocery store these days without a tug on my arm and a whispered, "There's a baby! Isn't it CUTE?" Often followed by a smile floated across the aisle as my daughter hopes to catch the young infant's attention.

There seem to be some people for whom parenthood is a life’s journey chosen early on. For others, the emergence of parental identity comes much later, as they see friends or family members enter into parenthood, or as they evaluate their own goals and values for their life. There is no one time when maternal identity begins, but I would argue it begins with the intention, sometimes buried deep and noticed at varying times in development depending on the individual, to nurture and grow the next generation.

Erik Erikson, in his theory of psychosocial development, identifies the stage of generativity vs. stagnation as a period when adults make choices to contribute in meaningful ways to the world, which they frequently do through parenting and work or they become psychologically "stuck" (Erikson, 1980). This stage follows the point in development when adults learn to navigate forming close relationships with romantic others, or become socially and psychologically isolated.

Adults who successfully navigate this stage of generativitiy vs. stagnation, according to Erikson, take responsibility for their lives and actions, develop pride in their families and connections to the larger community, value mentoring others, and make commitments to other people. Alternatively, they become stagnant, losing engagement in personal growth, productivity, and their broader community. Having children does not mean one automatically achieves success at this stage, as one can also be a parent who remains self-centered and uncommitted to the care and nurturing of others. Neither are those who do not have children excluded from successfully navigating this stage of development, as Erikson emphasizes that there are other meaningful ways to contribute to the community and enrich the lives of others. But, the desire to have and nurture children is one pathway through which this life stage can be navigated in a way that generates feelings of worth, inclusion, and productivity. Thus, the decision to parent can be seen as a healthy way to navigate the challenges posed by adult development, despite the societal and cultural headwinds against this decision.

In her book, “Hannah’s Children: The Women Quietly Defying the Birth Dearth,” Catherine Pakaluk (2024) writes of her interviews with women who not only chose to have children but chose to keep having them– to the tune of 5, 6, 8 or more children. Surely, in this day and age such "excess" is particularly insane. She asked the women why? Why did they choose this path? Much of the book revolves around faith as a guiding principle, but there is also the idea that having children connected the women to a purpose that was much bigger than the inconveniences they experienced when their children were little. They described how having children connected them to both past generations and future ones, with one mother noting it extended "to infinity" (pg. 13). They saw themselves as part of a lineage of mothers, stretching through time, and were willing to make sacrifices to be part of that continuum. Additionally, they valued the relationships they would have with their adult children, recognizing the lasting impact beyond the early years. For them, the decision to parent was deeply rooted in their identity and values.

children peeking through railing — Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

In a research review on the determinants of fertility intentions, Hashemzadeh and colleagues (2021) noted that happier men and women preferred to become parents sooner, and optimistic people who were satisfied with their life course were more likely to have children. Among women, two motives were particularly strong for childbearing intentions–"feeling needed and connected" and anticipated "joys of pregnancy, birth, and infancy"(Hashemzadeh et al., pg 2361). The intention to have children, therefore, seems to be linked to seeing the possible benefits of parenting, rather than focusing on the pitfalls. In that way, maybe parents are the epitome of “seeing the glass half full,” as they look beyond the dramatic disruptions that children bring to their lives and instead focus on children as meaning-makers. In this light, the decision to have children is not a misguided ideal but a reflection of an optimistic outlook on life—one that embraces the joys and challenges of creating and nurturing the future and embodying an identity that is at the core of one’s self.

On the decision to have children

Given all the stress and worry, why do we choose this?

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