An Ode to Fathers on Mother’s Day
How Fathers Impact the Mothers We Become
I lost my father in early May six years ago. We buried him on Mother’s Day. As a result, I spend much more time thinking of my Dad on Mother’s Day than I do thinking about mothers and mothering. What occurs to me this year is how much fathers can shape and influence the mothers we become. While much of the literature on fathers places a spotlight on the adverse outcomes associated with father absence on children’s development, some researchers have waded into the potential positive roles that fathers can play in their daughters’ sense of self, their self-esteem, their achievement orientations, and their emotional well-being. Thus, I would like to focus on fathers this Mother's Day week.
When I think about my relationship with my father, I find much complexity, as with any close relationship. However, what stands out in my recollections are the joyous and meaningful moments in which I felt seen, heard, supported, and acknowledged in a way that greatly impacted who I became as an adult. One of my earliest memories of my Dad is being held as a very young child against his chest, feeling secure and safe as wafts of Scotch and roasted peanuts swirled around in comfort and warmth. As I grew, he was the parent who encouraged my independence and growth. I credit my Dad with building the foundations of my self-esteem and my sense of being able to control my destiny. As a child, I would ride my bike solo around our rural neighborhood streets, camp out in the woods with a friend, and explore paths and wooded haunts beyond the watchful eye of an adult because my father believed I was fully capable of doing such things on my own. His confidence in me built confidence in myself. Perhaps not surprisingly, the empirical literature on father-daughter relationships supports my experience of the role of a present father in their daughter’s development. Specifically, research suggests that,
Daughters who view their fathers as emotionally available tend to have higher levels of self-esteem.
College-aged women who viewed their fathers as supportive of their autonomy reported higher levels of independence and self-confidence
Among high school girls, a sense of psychological security was bolstered by fathers' presence, which in turn predicted girls’ resilience
It is fascinating to consider how fathers interact with their daughters in unique and special ways. A 2017 study suggested that fathers of daughters are exceptionally attentive and tuned into their daughters, using emotion-laden language more frequently with daughters than with sons, particularly language around sadness. Another way language varies by child gender is in fathers’ use of analytical vs. dominance language. With sons, fathers are more likely to employ naturalistic language that emphasizes competitiveness, but with daughters, they employ more analytical language. This difference may help to explain why father involvement is particularly linked to daughters’ achievement orientations. Fathers are also more likely to spend time in problem-solving dialogue with daughters relative to sons. Interestingly, fathers also self-report more closeness with their daughters than their sons.
In my own experience, my relationship with my father has also profoundly impacted how I approach parenting my children. Although this seems to be a topic rarely, if ever, picked up by researchers, when researchers do look at influences on parenting, the role of the mother is the only one that seems to be acknowledged in the current literature. But, when I think of my parenting, it is often the voice of my father I hear echoing in my head. I think it is insightful to take some time to reflect on how the parenting we received from our fathers influences the mothers we are today. For example, I can see how my father's valuing of nature and the natural world forms a thread linking me to him, and further how I encourage and set up experiences for my children that (hopefully) foster in them a love for the trees, land, and birds. I also see how my firm belief that children learn confidence and a sense of self from being able to accomplish things on their own follows directly from how I experienced my Dad’s supportive encouragement to forge a path of my own.
Perhaps, you, too, have some positive memories of your father that impact how you mother? We tend to focus a great deal of energy on how we were mothered as a child to understand our parenting, but it is also worth considering how our mothering is tied to how we were fathered as a child. And if your experiences with a father-figure were not positive, this is likely equally impactful in how you approach parenting. Perhaps this Mother’s Day, as you spend time with your children, you can also send a thought toward the father who inevitably shaped the mother you are today.
